Been Away Too Long

Well hi there, blog.  Remember me?  I don't really blame you if you don't.  I haven't visited much lately.  Sorry about that.

I started this blog because I wanted and intended to write more.  This was partially because thanks to certain online shenanigans I sort of have an audience now, but mostly because I like to write.  It's how I process things sometimes, it's how I express myself, it's how I'm most articulate.  And lord knows I've had things I wanted to write about the past few months... but I either didn't have the energy or the time or both, and I sort of lost the plot in there somewhere.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that my father passed away over the summer.  That, while not unexpected, was a tough time.  I still miss him a lot and I think about him all the time.  (When my car acts up I catch myself going, "OK Dad, I hear you.  I'll check the oil.")  For a while other things seemed less important in comparison.

I didn't write for a while because I didn't want the post I wrote about my dad scrolling off the page.  Or because I didn't think I could write anything else as good as I was told that post was.  But the number of people who told me I need to be writing suggests to me that the greater error would be letting myself stagnate.

So, here we are.

What's up with me?  Some of the same, some new.  My depression got really bad for a while, which is another thing that kept me from writing.  I got to a point where I felt totally overwhelmed by my life.  I felt trapped and alone and terrified and I didn't see a way out.  And then the weirdest thing happened...

I took a trip to Ireland with some of my immediate family.  Our family there had arranged a memorial mass for my dad since not all of them could come to the funeral.  The day we left I was hanging by a thread mentally and had no idea how I was even going to get through the week.  But something about that trip – maybe just being away from my life for seven days, maybe seeing family I never see, maybe being in such a beautiful place – helped me turn a corner.  When I came back I was amazed at how good I felt.  How calm and happy and weirdly zen.  It was like I just forgot to pack all the anxiety and melancholy that had been weighing me down and left it overseas.

For a few weeks I tread carefully, waiting for that high to dissipate, but it hasn't.  It's like someone ran an anti-virus program on my brain and gave me a fresh start.  Yes, I'm still on my meds.  Yes, I still need them.  But I'm in a better place now than I have been in a long time.

I feel stronger somehow, too.  I've spent a lot of time apologizing and/or carrying crosses that weren't mine to bear.  I feel more able to give that up now.  I feel like I can stand a little taller and look the world in the eye without flinching.  I feel better equipped to face my own problems and to not make anyone else's problems my own.

I don't know how or why it happened, but it's a pretty good place to be.

There's been a myriad of other things since then – family emergencies, car trouble, a million of the other random things that make up day-to-day life and would usually send me into a tailspin.  But I've been good.  I credit a lot of that to my mother, who has recently given me incomparable lessons in strength, dignity, and grace.  Some of it, though, I think is progress I made on my own. 

Anyway, that's sort of the State of the Tara.

I'm going to make an effort to write more, even if it's just silly pop culture crap.  In the coming year I'm starting a web show – a prospect which terrifies me, but about which I'm also very excited.  I'm sure I'll have things to write about that process as well.

I feel like I've finally gotten (mentally, anyway) the fresh start I've been seeking for so long.  There are still a lot of things I need to work out, but I feel a lot better about where I am than I have in a long time, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.  Right now I'm trying to channel all of that into progress.  And that includes this blog.

So in short, I'm back.  Nice to see you again! 




*Post title stolen from the new Soundgarden song.  Did you miss Soundgarden as much as I did?